13 Super Drunk Stories That Will Make You Laugh Until You Cry

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You know the nights. Actually, on second thought, you probably don’t.Or try to block them out. Or imagine they were part of some super fucked up, edible-induced dream. But no, they were real, and they happened. Most likely thanks to friends like Jim, Jack, Johnnie and José.

That night that you decided you could scale the windmill on a miniature golf course. Or run to your ex-boyfriend’s house at 2am in January. Yup, these are definitely some of the cringiest, most hilarious drunk stories we could find.

1. Cabs R Here

“At my school, there was program that allowed the drunkest person at the bar to receive a free cab ride home, courtesy of the university. This sounds like some kind of honour, but trust me – it is not. One faithful Friday, I got drunk enough that I decided to take a nap on the floor of the bar. Guess who won?!” 

 

2. Daddy daycare

“I was at my buddy’s place for a party one summer. I didn’t have time to pick up any alcohol, so I was grabbing a beer here and there off my buddies. One girl didn’t want any more of her Captain Morgan 26, so she handed it to me. Somehow, I ended up funnelling it, and passing out on a random lawn down the street. I woke up to someone lifting me up over their shoulder, carrying me. I started swearing at him, fighting him, until I got a glimpse of him. My dad! Great guy.

3. Fresh??

“I was a freshman in high school going to a senior party, so needless to say I was super stoked. There’s no way I was supposed to be at that party at all. It was a complete accident that they let me through the door, so of course I proceeded to get stupid wasted off Bacardi. We were going outside for a cigarette when the girl I IDOLIZED asked me for a lighter. I was so excited/flustered that I PUKED on her UGGs. She was horrified. I was horrified. And paid to dry-clean her UGGS.”

4. One way or another

“I was once so fucked up that I left a club and demanded my cab driver take me to Niagara Falls. Why you ask? NO fucking clue. But it was a nice, fat, bill for a one-way trip with no purpose.”

5. Guelph Yourself

“When I was really fucked up at Laurier, I went home with this guy. Turns out it wasn’t is house so we like hooked up on a couch. The next morning I had to cab home with no coat (left it at the bar) bra (couldnt find it) and realized he lived in fucking Guelph. $75 cab ride back to Waterloo. The driver wouldn’t take debit, so he dropped me off middle of campus to take out money in full walk-of-shame apparel to get cash.”

Group of friend eating outdoors

6. Dude, where’s my wallet?????

“So one time there was a big group of us going downtown. I got blackout and somehow got separated from the group before we got to the bar. No idea what happened but basically I woke up in a random stranger’s car so obviously I started freaking out. I looked around for my clutch but couldn’t find it but decided to just leave it. (I had never been to this bar before so I didn’t recognize the area). I hail a cab and get in wallet-less and as he’s driving I explain my situation, and just ask him to take me to the nearest police station. This fucking dick says no and kicks me outta his cab. Same thing happens with the next cab until I give up and eventually get on a fucking TTC bus and explain my story. The bus driver takes me to the police station. I get there, explain my situation and  call my girlfriend 18 times bc she’s the only number I remember (mind you it’s like 6am) but she kept rejecting the call. I had no choice but to call my DAD, who was in business formal on his way to a meeting that he cancelled to come and pick me up. The station called me later saying they had my wallet. Apparently the stranger who’s car I was in (???) found it, saying he had NO idea how it got in there. I went to the station again to pick it up and the entire station applauded me.

7. Come as you are

“My friend and I were coming home from the bar. My roommates guy friends were at the house. We were all friends and they had just gotten back from the bar as well. We set up a mattress in the living room for the two guys to sleep on but we somehow ended up joining them (classic). We made out with them for a while (then switched guys???? and switched back???) Until I gained a little consciousness and peaced to my room. My dude followed me to bed and was cuddling/kissing me. I was not down, but slowly my drunkness took over and I was like, “Fuck it, I’m gunna give him blue balls.” I sucked his dick for exactly one minute and just sat up like, “ok I’m done.”  He was just like “k cool” and gets up to like go to the bathroom and leave, surprisingly chill. MONTHS later I’m talking to my friend about this certain guy and the super brief blowjob. Turns out he had actually came during the 60 seconds of head I gave him and I was just so drunk I did not taste or even notice.”

8. Under-where?

“One time I woke up after a night of wine drinking with three pairs of underwear on – none of them being the ones I wore the night before. My garbage can was missing and I found it like a week later, in the basement laundry room sink and smelled slightly of piss :)”

9. East-side shawty

“I was completely blackout coming back from a night of heavy drinking with my friend. We just got off the second-last subway of the night. My friend turned away to say goodbye to her dude of the night, taking her eyes off me for literally 5 seconds. In that 5 seconds I *apparently* SPRINTED to the East Side train, for no apparent reason, and took the LAST subway all the way to Scarborough. I tried navigating home on the night bus like the cheap bitch I am, but I only ended up semi-wheeling some random guy who was more determined to get home than to hook-up with me. When he got off at his stop I shouted, “You’re just going to LEAVE ME HERE?” as if he was standing me up for prom or some shit. A $97 cab ride later, I was home. Safe but definitely not sound.”

10. More than semi-embarassing

“We were all pre-ing for a semi-formal, very dressed up, had a party bus ready to go. I did one too many shot-for-shots on a diet of sushi and rice cakes, and literally hovered over the toilet at the pre. I tried to convince my friends I was fine, fell down the stairs and hobbled – shoeless – onto the party bus. Once we got to the main street, and I had puked in a trash bag twice, my friends knew I wouldn’t get in to the venue. They called me a cab home and called my mom, who paid the insane fee. She then dumped me in a bathtub of cold water, where I proceeded to puke, again. On my mom. And swam in it.”

11. Bachelor bash

“We were partying up in Wasaga next to this bachelor party. We were a house full of girls and they were definitely older, but more in a funny way than a hot way. I coupled up with a dairy farmer – Russ – and took off for maybe 2 hours on his rented Jetski. We attempted to fuck whilst on the jetski, underneath the boardwalk bridge, only to have students and families scream and applaud us.”Did I mention Russ was the groom-to-be? Congrats guy!!

12. Burrito bae

“Drunk me thought it would be a great idea to put my half eaten burrito, unwrapped, inside my Michael Kors bag. That morning I woke up, still drunk, to a purse full of black beans and guac. I still for some reason decided to eat my remaining burrito and got food poisoning for the next 24hrs. Lit.”

13. Roger-that

“My buddy lives in an amazing condo near the Rogers Centre. The view alone has gotten him laid at least 10 times. We pre there almost every weekend, but I hadn’t seen these girls before in the condo next to us. I think the owners must have rented it out via Air BnB or some shit. One of them was super hot and I was v down. I chugged more than a normal amount of whiskey cause I wanted to be super smooth when talking to this girl. Our pre had gotten super rowdy and the girls were on their patio, so I had the great idea of just stretching/climbing over to their balcony. Mind you, my buddy lives on the 16th floor so if I fell I was going to die. Easy. But drunk-me thought this was no issue and was very motivated by a truly exceptional rack. At first I was having no issue, but in the actual one foot on my balcony one, one foot on hers, my shorts ripped. Not that I noticed at all. I swung over and hugged the girl only to have her pull away with a disgusted look on her face. When I asked her what was up, she pointed down to my package, completely out via the hole. I was going commando, so my bare dick and sweaty balls slapped against her leg. Romantic, eh?

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